Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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