Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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