Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
