Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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