haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
