I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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