she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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