Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
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