I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
