Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Farmville is her only friend.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
