I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
