You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
