Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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