i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Randomize
