I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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