I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
