my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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