my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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