$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
