I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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