Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
