Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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