I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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