it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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