if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
