Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
