I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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