I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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