after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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