I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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