my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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