I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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