my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
