So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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