Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
