if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
