god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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