why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
bring money and cleavage
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
