And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
