I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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