I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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