My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
