trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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