I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
