Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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