Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Your penis caused this!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
