do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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