i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
