i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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