his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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