Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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