I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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