oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
