Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
did i walk over a car last night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sext me about skeletons
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
