did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
