The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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