Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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