I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
