We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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