What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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